Its not you, its me

Jeremy_Hunt_S4C_October_2010_DearJohn_01I’ve been married for about eight years and there’s definitely some conclusions that I’ve come to. The biggest one thing I came to realize is that it doesn’t matter who you’re married to. You can be married to Jim Carrey or Channing Tatum and even though they might be funny or good-looking at a certain point you are going to be sick and tired of being around them. This goes both ways. This is a hard concept for many people to realize because they are with that person so much, but that is kind of the reality.

Within your marriage there are two people two distinct people who have their own set of issues. The other person is not going to complete them, there is no fairy tale ending because this is not what marriage is all about. It’s two people bringing all their issues, insecurities and life experiences into a relationship. All these play massive factors in how they behave towards one another. I know people say the number one reason for divorce is finances but I would argue it’s that you get tired of being around the other person.

Once you accept the fact that you’re going to get tired of being around the other person or that you’re not always going to like them, then you can move on. But unfortunately that’s a very difficult issue to deal with. I’ve discovered this in my own marriage and I’ve seen this so often other people’s marriages too. People will say things like, “Well they’ve emotionally checked out” or “They don’t want to be around me.” That’s true, however a lot of times that’s on them and you are not the one that’s causing this. When you initially got married there were reasons that you got married, you enjoyed being around each other, enjoyed talking with each other, enjoyed going places with each other and so on. This person has not inherently changed and if you accepted that then you’d realize that you still enjoy that about them. But you’ve done a lot of the stuff together, 24 hours a day and you are bored and kind of tired of being with them. How do you overcome these pitfalls within a marriage?

So before you decide to run off and get divorced or have an affair or whatever it is you want to go do. Please think hard about this concept, is it you or is it the other person that’s causing this? Most likely the reason is you, you don’t want to be around this person because they’re boring and being around for 24 hours a day in dealing with them every single day is just not exactly conducive to having a good relationship. Even, your best friend would not want to be around you over 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, we have this expectations of marriage and now you’re going to bed together, your grocery shopping together, your eating together and so on. This relationship is difficult to keep up how do you deal with this is largely up to you. But it is very important to sit down with the other person and have an honest discussion about being around them all the time. Tell them, I grow tired of being around you 24 hours a day, it’s not you it is me who is dealing with this. Once they accept this even though it might hurt it may make them realize that they may feel the same way towards you. This may provide you with the ability to start dealing with the other issues that arise out of this central issue.

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Its your own fault and no one elses

415px-The_Avenging_Conscience_movie_posterWhen you raise your children you instill in them your morals and values. Im assuming that most of these values are rather universal. You don’t hit other kids, you don’t lie, you don’t steal and so on. Sure there are outliers however this is not the norm. As you grow older some of these things may change but overall what you were taught in kindergarten holds true. As an adult some of these rules have even stronger consequences then when you were little. If you steal or hurt some one you go to jail.

The consequences of your actions are because of the actions you conducted. Even though there can be extenuating circumstances such as stealing bread to feed your hungry children or lying in order not get hurt. Yes these actions by themselves are still wrong and against the law but there are extenuating circumstances. This means that if you are tried in a court these could help explain why you did it. But as we have seen over the last couple of weeks, there are few excuses for the actions of the shooting of a journalist and their camera man, the Ashley Madison revelations and Josh Duggars infidelity.

Every person was raised to know right from and knows what that is even if they have extenuating circumstances. There is no excuse to be a murderer or a cheater (not the same thing). They did wrong and they knew it. As parents we can only be examples and show them what is right and wrong. Hopefully we can be effective teachers and have our children never stray from this path. However at the end of the day they are adults and they are responsible for the decisions they make.

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Are You That Bored That You Need An Affair?

In the last couple of days a group of hackers released the names of individuals that used the affair site known as Ashley Madison. Apparently there were approximately 40 million users of the site with a possible 1% being women. It makes you ask yourself a lot of questions, are people really just that bored with their life that they need an affair? Do they really need this kind of thrill in order to make things better for them? Why not just get a divorce, if you really want to play the field? Why are you doing this? Why did you get married in the first place? Also, do you not realize that the odds of you being caught are still astronomically high? The internet is not the safest or the most secure place to be doing these kinds of activities.

Matrimonio Gimmi+Olga
          Marriage is something Beautiful

In general, the United States considers marriage to be sacred. But when you realize that a little over 10% of the population within the United States is looking to have an affair, half of all marriages end in divorce and we have multiple generations of people treat marriage like it’s nothing. Also lets not forget marriage is ridiculed on television you really have to ask yourself if Americans think marriage is sacred. I understand that cheating and adultery have always been part of human existence however Ashley Madison just seems to shove it in everybody’s face. Hopefully after all these revelations makes people think twice about having an affair with a person.

Being married and remaining married is not easy. Marriage takes work, takes diligence, it takes a lot of swallowing your pride and a lot of compromise in order to remain married. Adultery is not a new thing, especially considering that the internet can put you into contact with thousands and thousands of people. This revelation will most likely make people realize that their spouse can cheat on them. It may also make people realize that they would definitely never have an affair either. This realization should also reinforce the bonds of their relationship with one another.

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Yes, Your Kids Will Be You When They Grow Up

Yes your kids will be just like you imageIn a recent parenting article I read there was a shocking statement that children turn out to be just like they are parents. What a shock, right? But if you think about it, isn’t it the truth? How many of you are just like your parents. Not just personality wise, but career, income, hobbies, likes and dislikes and so on?

Sometimes when I’m dealing with my kids, I think to myself,’ My goodness it might just like my dad,’ or,’ That is something my dad would say.’ In fact I am sure most of our parents thought the same thing. Sure, we want things to be different. But, we return to what we know and what is comfortable.

This is why I say that yes your child will be a criminal, if you are a criminal. Your child will be a writer, if you are a writer and it goes on and on and on. It’s not something to worry about, because you turned out just fine. Even with your parents being who they are.

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Let girls be girls and boys be boys

People say that gender is a societal construct and I’m sure there is some truth to that. However as a father of four children, two boys and two girls I can attest that feminine and masculine traits were there from the start. Time and time again each one shows which gender they are. This is even the case with number three who is a girl and is heavily influenced by the older two which are boys.

Maggie with water gun.
Maggie with water gun.

It’s not that my kids are hyper- masculine or hyper- feminine. In fact I am not a parent who really pushes my kids into one or the other type of role. This doesn’t mean I push androgyny either, I let nature take its course. Which is rather amazing as my kids would never be confused for being the opposite gender.

My oldest loves adventure, guns, robots, rocket ships and talking about getting a job as a rocket pilot. My second son is a wild child he loves to fight, run around with bare feet, build forts, climb trees, shoot guns (play ones), and told me he wants to join the Army. Lastly my third kid who is a girl is a total girly girl, she likes to talk, My Little Pony, the color pink, dresses, makeup, beautiful women and I could go on and on. Even from when they were young, I’ve done very little to encourage these types of behaviors.

Yes, this information is anecdotal and I’m sure there are parents with different experiences. However as a pretty normal family, I cannot imagine most parents having a different experience. That is why I would advise parents to let their kids develop on their own pace and not worry too much about whether their kids are masculine or feminine. Each kid is unique and will become their own beautiful self.